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A Fighter Pilot Guide to Health

Posted by Jolly on April 5, 2011

Health questions and answers
 
 
 Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? 
 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
 
 
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
 
 
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
 
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
 
 
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
 
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
 
 
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
 
 
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
 
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
 
 
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
 
 
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
 
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
 
 
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
 
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
 
 
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
 
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
 
 
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember:
 
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - beer in one hand - hot chicken wing in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

Comments:

Posted by NickScott on
Thank you for the enlightenment! I was just about to start a regime of sit-ups and running in order to get fit - but my tummy would pull down on my tits at every step and that hurts! So, either I start to wear a sport bra - totally un-cool. Alternately, if I drink lots more beer, over a short period of time, then the bit between the stomach and the breasts will fill in thereby providing the cushion between the two sets of organs (or muscles in my case, am not a cow)and therefore, no pain.
but I have met many a fat Captain and they are fine and they don`t run, then just fly, drink and eat and they look great!
Could somebody please tell me how I can get fat? I hear that eating in the evening will get you fat, so I will try that with my new regime of beer. Its the same with sex, lay back and enjoy it - let her do all the work, however, I do not agree with fellow men who read a book at the same time, this could be construed as not concentrating.
Posted by jimblack120 on
i understand the first and most important Q- yep the guys that just worked for a living and never lifted any thing heavier than their girl - ALL live to their 90s !! got that from both my Grandfathers - and on this very Day 6/30/2014 Harold W is enjoying 92nd Birthday-!!! and yes he is an ARMY VET- who does not like to talk about THE WAR- he is more like the last paragraph of the Q and A-....................... HAPPY BIRTHDAY HALW6ICO !!!!
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