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A Call to Arms

Posted by Jolly on April 13, 2009

There is an international crisis of epic proportions going on right now. 1500 pubs are closing every year in the UK. OK, you say, "Big deal it's in England. Why should I care?" This is the exact kind of socio-economic situation that can undermine history and tradition and rapidly spread if it takes hold in one of the bastions of amber nectar consumption.  Today with the Internet and FedEx, ideas, concepts, theories, thought processes and outrageous notions can travel rapidly across oceans, over mountains and traverse vast deserts in a matter of hours, even seconds. Yes, today these pub closures are a problem in the UK but tomorrow it could be happening to the brasseries in France, the gasthauses of Germany and even the taverns, saloons, dives and bars of the USA. 
The reasons for these UK pub closures are pretty simple. Higher costs to run a pub and fewer customers. Costs include higher rent and increased fuel bills.  The highest tax increase in a decade on a pint of beer has raised the price of drinking in pubs, which, along with aggressive beer discounts in supermarkets, encourage people to drink at home.  Even the recent ban on indoor smoking across England has caused locals to begrudge a trip to the pub.
To counter the down turn in the economy and clientele, pubs owners are encouraged to concentrate on the "5-f's"; food, families, females, forty-somethings and fifty-somethings. That will certainly help focus their efforts but to help turn the tide, local folks have got to be on the lookout for signs that their favorite watering hole is having economic problems. Should you observe such indicators, it is imperative that you call your friends, who call their friends and so on and so on, and all of you immediately rush to the troubled establishment for a bit of the amber nectar. Your actions could save a bar.
The Red Lion, London, MayfairNow, just to show you how horrible this pub closure phenomenon can be, I was recently in London on a pub crawl with a couple of friends. We were in the Mayfair area of London, just east of Hyde Park. We had already visited a couple of quite nice pubs, Ye Grapes and The Punchbowl. Next on our list was The Red Lion; first established in the 18th century. Photos of the Red Lion watered my taste buds and I knew it was going to be a relaxing and enjoyable stop. All the reviews were outstanding. One said that it was the favorite London pub of Tom Jones the singer.  As we walked up the street, we were dealt a devastating blow. The Red Lion was closed. Not just for the day, closed forever.  FOREVER! 
Below is the picture of what was left. It is not for the faint of heart. Certainly do not allow grown men to view this photo without a warning of what he is about to see. The human psyche was not built to handle this kind of disappointment. 

The Red Lion, London, closed

Now do you understand the insidious nature of the crisis? This could happen to you. It could happen right down your street. It could happen over and over again in your town. Sure, there were signs that the Red Lion was in trouble, just like hundreds of other pubs, but the locals did not take heed of the call, a call to arms. A call to the Anglesea Arms, Queen Arms, Argyll Arms, Warwick Arms, Stanhope Arms and other great pubs like the Old Cock, Elephant and Castle and Barrow Boy & Banker. Don't let this happen to you, to your friends, to your community. Stay vigilant!!

You Shut the Fuck UpNow here's a great shirt to wear when you're out for a few amber nectars. People will definitely talk to you. First, they'll know that you're a fighter pilot, so the chicks will be all over you and guys will want to experience your aura. Second, people will  think your shirt kicksass. Third, they're going to want to know where they can get one. You know, another kickass thing about wearing this shirt when you're out for a few beers is that people that don't like you, or your shirt, will talk to you too.  Those situations are always interesting to see how they develop. I never wore this shirt during my pub crawls in England but I'm sure it would have been met with a favorable response. Now that I think of it, I'll bet this shirt would be a real ice breaker in just about any foreign country. Get your's at the FU Store and be the center of attention wherever you go.



Posted by NickScott on
Thnaks for that. We have a pub called The Three Horseshoes (make you want to go look for a horse with a missing leg!) so anyway, this pub was closed for ages but the bastard estate agents were asking 800 quid (British Dollars) a week for rent!! anyway, somebody has rented/bought it- God bless their dear hearst and well, am haulin ass right now to go on around there. So, if you fighterpilot boys - or to use New Age banter - if you Fighter Pilot Mother ****rs want to come round then we are at Beccles Airfield, and the pub is on the deadside (North) of the field. And, there is a Bed and Breakfast next door about 5 houses down. They are a nice family so either sleep in the bushes or *be cool* if you go back plastered, and be gentlemanly - you can then go back to the bar the next night and get totally f*****g ***tfaced and I will join you. Beware though, when in good company and not tired, people wonder why I am not falling over, well, its self control (too much flying!) and in reality, I cannot hear what you are saying nor can I see you but its all a fake, am really totally pissed. My theory is this - you see the door . . ? Any door will do, well, when you need to walk toward it, you have to zero in just like a target and build in the outer parameters so you effectivley walk down a tube to get to the door.
Now, the next thing is not to let anyone know you are paraletic, so just mosey on toward the door,this may take some time, pretend to check you watch or other normal activity, wave to a friend who is not there . . everybody will look in the direction you just waved in, then you can grab another three steps, now, call over to Don at the other end of the bar - Don, does not actually exist either - but when everyone looks you can make the next few steps toward the door and through it. Some establishments are unfair and have a second door to go through but by this time there are less people around, so you can put your hands out now and . . fall towards it, try to make the door before you make the floor with your face this comes with trajectory planning. If anyone comes up and talks to you asking you f**kwit questions like "are you ok buddy" just tell `em you are just about to fart, they`ll soon f**k off!.
So distance/length of body/weight/steps - work out the formula and make sure there is a handle on the door or there follows a rather embarrassing slide down the door by your left cheek developing a distinct sneer. Once inside though - all is rosey, actually, its not, so don`t call any of the inhabitants Rosie - this is a time to avoid, not to engage, make sure you aim right at the urinal, you may have to get closer than standing way back at the doorway - or you might miss you see, and try to make sure you don`t get talking and inadvertantly *iss in somebodyelses pocket by mistake. So, hope to see you there.
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