Fighter Pilot University - Jokes

Caveman Fighter Pilot

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 05:23:00-0500

Where did the fighter pilot come from? It’s a question that comes up often from our students here at Fighter Pilot University. Although the airplane did not come into it's own until Orville and Wilber, the fighter pilot attitude goes back to the beginning of time.

I was brought up by a bunch of Vietnam era guys who always said, "being a fighter pilot is an attitude, not an AFSC." AFSC stands for Air Force Specialty Code. It took some time to understand the meaning of that statement, but all fighter pilots’ I know understand exactly what that means.

Does that mean a caveman could have been a fighter pilot? Well, yes little Johnny I think it does. Enough pontificating, let's turn to our FU video library to prove our point.

This short film was produced by Joe Shit the Ragman while on walk about in Australia. Joe was searching for the origins of the fighter pilot attitude. I think it's safe to say he found it. Roll the tape Joe.

Urinal Etiquette

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 05:14:00-0500

What can you say, it’s got to be briefed for our newest students here at FU. First, let’s give an example of poor urinal etiquette. There are several rules of engagement violated in the following video. Watch and learn:

So for our urinal challenged students, here's the ROE:

Fighter Pilot Evolution

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 06:00:00-0500

Most people would certainly agree that fighter
pilots are the most highly evolved creatures on
the entire planet. But . . . maybe not.

Maybe they haven't evolved all that much after all.

Kinda scary isn't it? You can't really tell
which picture is the touched up photo.

The Pearly Gates

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 08:59:00-0500

I know it's flame bait, but it's still funny.....

An unfortunate Navy fighter pilot was lost at sea during a night recovery in the weather. Next thing he was standing in a long line waiting to pass through the Pearly Gates.

He got impatient and broke out of the formation to take the lead. When asked by Saint Peter why he cut in line, the pilot exclaims, “Don’t you see I’m a Naval Aviator?”

St. Pete says “nuthin’ doin’” and sends the Navy fighter jock back to the back o’ da bus.

The line into Heaven progresses excruciatingly slow. In one week, only three people pass through.

Then a new guy shows up wearing a green flight suit, black boots, and a beer in his hand.

Trumpets blare, angels sing, and Saint Pete proclaims, “Welcome,
Sir! Come forward and pass directly into Heaven.”

The Navy pilot is pissed. He again cuts to the front of the line and
demands to know why he—a Naval Aviator—has been made to stand in line all this time and yet an Air Force fighter pilot is immediately given the red carpet treatment.

Saint Peter explains, "Navy pilots come a dime a dozen, but it’s not often we get an Air Force fighter jock up here.

Ex Wife

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 06:28:00-0500

A fighter pilots ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time his divorce started and she got her license shortly before the divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God the kids were with him at the Beach House that weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Tina was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Fighter Pilot Farts

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 01:03:00-0500

What is it about farts that are so funny? Everyone remembers the scene from Blazing Saddles. How about the "Fart Debrief" sent in by Homer? That may be one of the funniest things I've ever read. What make's it even better is that it really happened. Most guys I've flown with are rather proud of a room clearing fart, plus they sound so damn funny. Feel free to comment below with your own funny fart stories. So for your listening and reading pleasure, here are two of our favorite fart debriefs. The first is from Slim Pickens, and the second is a fighter pilot debrief written by Deacon. Enjoy---No Slugs!

The Debrief

Two absolutes exist in fighter aviation—1) The military will do everything in it’s power to rescue a downed airman; and 2) Farts are funny—any time, any place—at a funeral—during a speech—having sex—settling into a dentist’s chair—always funny. If you believe that it is not immediately funny, try telling the story just 24 hours later without laughing—it can’t be done. It’s Newton’s Fourth Law of the Physical Universe—Farts are Funny.   The confluence of these two absolutes makes for an interesting story.

The sortie was a Combat Search and Rescue Exercise, better known as a CSAR-Ex. The purpose is to prepare for an event that we all hope will never occur, the rescue of a downed airman, or in today’s case, an enlisted Intel chick posing as a downed airman. For the purposes of this tale, the sortie itself will be summed up succinctly—it was chaotic but successful. The debrief, however, was another story.

Regulations require all aircrew members attend the CSAR-Ex debrief, that sacred bastion of fighter aviation where the real learning occurs. It was here, in the hallowed halls of The Intake, where the paths of Combat Rescue and flatulence crossed—irrevocably and unforgettably to all who attended.

Enter the FART MACHINE—a Fartual Reality comedic prop of epic proportions. The FART MACHINE is to the Whoopee Cushion as the Trigonometric Calculator is to the Abacus. Activated by remote control and capable of making five distinct fart sounds, named colloquially: The Short, The Long, The Double, The Joker, and the Tear Ass; the FART MACHINE is a sure candidate for a Poolitzer Prize.

Shortly before the debrief began, covert insertion of the FART MACHINE into an inconspicuous, yet acoustically beneficial locale was required. OPERATION AIR BISCUIT went off without a hitch, the FART MACHINE deposited into the cavernous bowels of the computer desk at the front of the room with a clear avenue of fire for the remote control necessary to trigger the device. The proximity to the walls of the computer desk ensured good reverb and terrific tonal quality.   A quick check of the IR Remote was deemed necessary (Homer, the triggerman, was located in the back of the room to detract from the possibility of being associated with the anal utterances) and accomplished as the aircrew were milling about talking loudly—“phfffft” (That would be THE SHORT) the decibel level of the conversation keeping the test toot inaudible but to the most discerning ears. The A-10 pilot closest to the machine was heard to mutter under his breath, “Who stepped on a duck?” Operational Check—A. OK.

The debrief came began formally with a declaration from the Mission Commander—and an abrupt “phfffftttttttttttttt” from the FART MACHINE (That would be THE LONG). Snickers from the front row, raised eyebrows on heads that swiveled attempting to find the culprit that booted at such an inopportune moment, and stifled laughter that threatened to shake the rank off of the shoulders of those in the know. Bobbaloo immediately turned to Deacon and uttered quietly but firmly, “Don’t do that again,” as if Deacon were some sort of Asstriloquist, capable of throwing his farts like a demented Edgar Bergen. Deacon shrugged his shoulders, showed his hands to be empty, thus proving his innocence, and wiped the tears of laughter from his cheeks. Bondo fought to regain his composure, an heroic struggle in which he fought bravely but vainly. In the back of the room, Homer carefully studied the tops of his boots, straining to keep a straight face, knowing he would be an immediate suspect if a smile so much as crossed his face. The two Brits in the front row were apoplectic with this display of typical American manners. Standby for round two.

The second wave was a showstopper. Extensive R & D had proven that THE LONG was always followed by THE DOUBLE, a particularly laughter provoking, two-tone, 4 second, 80 decibel faux fart guaranteed to elicit giggles from even the most proper of people. Homer decided that discretion being the better part of valor; he would not unleash THE DEADLY DOUBLE until there was sufficient noise to partially drown out some of the noise. Fortunately, he messed up the timing.“Any questions on the plan?” “PHHFFT-ZEEEEEEEEEEEEPSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTT” Several things happened simultaneously—Bondo, already having lost the earlier battle with stifled laughter, now lost the war—game over. Bobbaloo leaned forward and mouthed “Knock It Off, “ to the entire row of Eagle Drivers—didn’t work. The F-16 squadron commander stood up and looked under his seat. One Brit actually said “Pardon me,” and looked embarrassed; the CFACC giggled; every female in the room looked straight ahead and acted like they hadn’t heard anything; Homer, tears streaming down his face, realized his complicity in the flatulent affair was most surely apparent—but also must have recognized that he was on the brink of making comedy history.

The brief continued for an agonizing 30 minutes, each short moment of silence the possible harbinger of round three. We eagerly awaited the next salvo, trusting Homer’s comedic genius to discover the proper time to unleash what would be the poop de grace. We waited, savoring the anticipation—and waited, and waited, and waited. The Mission Commander ended his brief and offered up the floor to the CFACC for comments. We watched in horror mixed with pure joy as the CFACC sat down on the computer desk, his derriere located—unbelievably, incredibly—18 inches directly above the Machine. Bondo experienced such rapture he had an out of body experience; Bobbaloo began sweating like a sumo wrestler in a sauna—and Homer froze. For two long minutes the CFACC spoke unheard of lessons learned, all the while poised unknowingly over the abyss of embarrassment—and THE FART MACHINE lay as silent as Marcel Marceau playing the quiet game. The debrief ended, Homer slinking out the back door without even retrieving the Machine.

Most will never know what happened to Homer that day. In hushed whispers people speak of words like “judgment” and “prudence.” It was rumored that someone once claimed that Homer was scared—that man now eats through a straw. Some who have known Homer the longest like to believe a technical malfunction was to blame, claiming loudly as if to convince themselves, “He tried, but the batteries died . . . the batteries just died.”

I was the last one out of the debrief that day. Spying a small black object near the back of the room, I picked up the remote control that Homer had dropped in his hurried egress from the scene of the crime. I held it in my hand as I thought back to past Homeric shenanigans—broken ribs and punctured lungs while jet skiing in Half Moon Bay, tattooed enlisted chicks at Key West Base Ops, his ass hanging out of the window of an Air Force Bus in Hawaii—a small yet representative sample of Homerisms. With these exploits fresh in my mind, I was confident once again in his utter lack of judgment in matters not pertaining to aviation. I pointed the remote control at The FART MACHINE, already knowing it would not work—could not work. I pressed the button and from the front of the room there was silence—followed by a sound like a chain falling off a desk onto a tile floor.

“PPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT”

Say it ain’t so.

Bottle of Britain

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 06:00:00-0500

The Brits are funny and clever people. Often times that humor can be very dry and subtle but usually smartly witty. No surprise then that one of them would take the moment of their greatest hour and use it in a very humorous advertising campaign. These ads never were presented on the mass market and we really have no idea if they were ever considered seriously for the product mentioned but they're still hilariously kickass.

We've mentioned Spitfire ale before. Very good bit of the amber nectar. Obviously, a product with that name, Spitfire, is going to use fighter pilots and fighter planes as a central theme in its advertising campaigns. Take all that together, fighter planes, history, British humor, and you get some kickass funny advertising.

Their finest six minutes. That's quite a consumption rate.

And Surrey and Essex and Sussex and all of East Anglia.

Clever.

A great play on words. Always good for a childish laugh.

This makes me snicker.

Kickass!!

This is pure genius!

That's got to be 11:18 AM. No woman could possible be pissed at 11:18 PM.

FU STORE.
GO!
NOW!

Fighter Pilots Volunteer for Disaster Recovery

Tue, 26 Jan 2010 06:00:00-0500

There are calamities and disasters happening around the world on an almost daily basis. Each crisis is different and the response to the situation, of course, depends the extremity of the occurrence. Fighter pilots are not often tasked to support civil tragedies for various reasons. For example, the earthquake in Haiti does not call for fighter pilot support. Heavy guys and helo guys are much needed there and they do a tremendous job to help minimize the human suffering there.

However, there are lesser emergencies where fighter pilots can have an immediate impact. Take the situation in the video here. Just have a few fighter pilots walk into this adversity and the circumstances would be immediately concentrated, making clean up quick and easy. Once the problem women learned that fighter pilots were nearby their natural female yearnings would overcome their drunken stupors and they would flock to the fighter pilots. Hazardous clean up personnel could then rapidly surround the perimeter of the lusting women and take control of the melee.

Fighter pilots don't always need their fighter to come to the rescue.

F-BOMB ALERT!!

(Explicit language and
public nudity present.)

In a situation like this, if there aren't any fighter pilots available. Rush to the FU Store and put our shirts on four or five regular guys. With that, these women will still think there's fighter pilots in the area. The lusting will not be as powerful but it will be sufficient to slowly concentrate the crowd and allow eventual cleanup.

The FU Store, your one stop
for control of any size Slut Spill.

This Is Not Funny

Mon, 18 Jan 2010 06:00:00-0500

This guy ought to be hauled in for child abuse. He's obviously one of those types who grew up dreaming of becoming a fighter pilot but didn't have the goods. Obviously, in the back of his mind he knows that his wife is disappointed in settling for him and longs to be with a fighter pilot. So now in a perverted way, even though he admires them and wishes to be a fighter pilot, he hates them too. So now he's destroying his kid's dreams just as they're getting started. Look at that little guy's face. Totally crushed. This is criminal. Just when he should be nurturing a child's natural desires to be a fighter pilot, because of his own discontent he feels the need to squelch that highest of goals only so that his son doesn't suffer the same disappointment. What a dick!

We got this picture from a real medical doctor who sent it to us out of his concern that this may be happening on a much larger scale than we realize. Thanks Doc.

Damn it!!
Get your kid an FU shirt from the FU Store.
You owe it to them. Nurture their dreams.
Don't be a dick.

Not Fighter Pilot Material 5

Fri, 15 Jan 2010 06:08:00-0500

Good grief!!! There's a few problem areas here that probably leave this guy out. Eye sight. OUT! Goofy reindeer antlers. OUT! White turtle neck, red sweater. (We've talked about this before. Fighter pilots do not wear matching clothes with their wife/girlfriend.) OUT!
"World's Best Dad," of a f*cking dog? OUT! Wife probably had puppy and hubby neutered at the same time. OUT! Obviously no control of own life. Wife decides what to do, when to do it, how to do it, who to do it to. OUT! There's a minimum standard image that must be maintained to become a fighter pilot. This guy doesn't meet it. OUT!

Don't be confused for a Not Fighter Pilot Material kind of guy. Get your kickass FU gear in the FU Store. It screams, "I'm a fighter pilot."

Chinese Shoot Down an F-22

Thu, 07 Jan 2010 06:00:00-0500

We’ve received some very disturbing intelligence reports recently that have painted a less than impressive picture of the F-22 Raptor. Now a quite distressing report. Right out of China. An F-22 has been downed by the forces of China’s People's Liberation Army Air Force. We have obtained an extremely taunting video produced within the realm of the People’s Republic of China that recreates the events which led up to this most disturbing situation.

To ease your viewing, and so that you will better understand what you’re seeing, we’ve asked the experts at the FU audio/visual department to interpret this video. Amazingly, they discovered underlying audio that could only be detected with the most sensitive of auditory equipment. The communiqué was in Chinese so we asked the FU School of Languages to interpret. Below you can read the scripted message that resulted from our interpretation. Before watching the video, you may want to read through this a few times so that you are better able to catch the various innuendos and subtle implications.

Look up in the sky. Right there in the red circle. Do you see it now idiot? Yes, that's an American F-22 Raptor.

Here's our kickass early warning system. (Guess it didn't work too well this time since the Raptor is already over one of our cities.)

Here's some of our kickass surface-to-air missile systems. We might even fire a mobile intercontinental ballistic missile at him.

Here's our kickass airborne early warning and control aircraft, the KJ-2000, an original idea of ours.

Launch the J-10's!!! Kickass fighter isn't it? Here's our artists interpretation of what the engagement looked like. Notice how we kickass with just one J-10 while the other performs a Cobra maneuver just for fun. (Oops, those may be F-15's in the artist's interpretation. Please visualize, in your mind, an F-22 in their place.)

Hahahah!!! ROR (Raugh out Roud). There's the smoking hole. Proof of our superiority.

There's the Yankee cow parachuting to the ground.

There's the smoking ruins of the F-22. If you squint your eyes, real itty-bitty, it looks just like the remains of the crash at Nellis. See, we even have pictures with red arrows to prove it. (Oops, that lower right hand picture may be an F-35. Please visualize, in your mind, an F-22 in its place.)

Oh yeah, we also have really kickass special forces that are way better than yours. Here's some of our guns. We buy them in Shanghai, right on the street.

Don't mess with us.

China and J-10 fans, get a kickass roundel design in the FU Store. China has it's own home grown new jets. They're building more. They've got a kickass roundel that you'd like to wear everywhere you go. And it's not just for Chineses guys either. If you like Chinese chicks, whether your white, black, brown, red or yellow, they'll dig you in this kickass China roundel design. If you don't like Chinese chicks it doesn't matter. All the other chicks, white, black, brown, red or yellow, will dig you because they'll figure that you're a kickass fighter pilot from some far-off, mysterious, exotic place. Get yours in the Roundel section of the FU Store.

Another Damning F-22 Raptor Report

Tue, 05 Jan 2010 06:00:00-0500

Intelligence reports continue to pour in questioning the capabilities of the F-22 Raptor. Yesterday we showed you a computerized animation of a potential engagement between the F-22 and the Chinese J-10. Based on tactics and known capabilities, the F-22 did not do as well as its manufacturer and the USAF would hope. Again, that video only looked at what possibly could happen but the conjectured result was disturbing.

Today, another report that corroborates this speculation that the F-22 may not be as formidable an air superiority fighter as expected or as we've been told. Watch the video here and then read below for the assessment and recommendation.

Assessment: Cows?!?! Freaking cows?!?! No wonder!!! We can't have cows flying the F-22!! Now, maybe a single cow could hold his own but you put two cows in there and there's just not enough room. Plus, cows are stupid. You can't put a $360 million jet in the hoofs of a cow. Whoever came up with that idea should be fired.

Take note of the J-10 tactics. Only one sheep. Sheep are smarter and don't take up as much room. That allows their hoof to at least push the pickle button and launch a missile.

A very disturbing side note from this report; the pigs are behind this. Pigs cannot be trusted. They'll act like they're your best friend and then the next thing you know they'll side with the sheep to try and get the standard of the world monetary system off the dollar and on to one of their ridiculous sheep or pig currencies.

Recommendation: No more cows and don't trust pigs.

Uh, you might find it strange that we're pimping a hooded sweatshirt with a Russian roundel on it after we did an entry that concerns a confrontation between US and Chinese fighters. Yes, we did mention a third, behind the scenes party, but we're certainly not insinuating anything here. We just figured we'd try to sell some Russian roundel stuff. It's available in the FU Store in the Roundels section. Don't try to read anything into the fact that we didn't mention Russia or the Russian military in the article above. That third entity mentioned is just part of the story, nothing to do with us pushing this Russian roundel design. FU gear. Get it in the FU Store.

Must See F-22 Raptor Report

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 05:47:00-0500

We have received close-hold, highly reliable intelligence reports that put into doubt many of the claims made by the F-22 Raptor community concerning the fighter's dominance over any other fighter in the world. This intelligence report, through state of the art computer animation, reveals that the F-22 may indeed be susceptible to Chinese J-10 capabilities and tactics. There could be serious ramifications once this video is seen by the decision makers in the US military.

A side note to this report; tanker dudes, pay attention to the consequences of not providing fuel expeditiously.

Should this report prove to be true, this design in the FU Store will become a collectors item. Get's yours now before the demand becomes overwhelming. It's in the Kickass Fighter Designs section of the FU Store.

Navy Aviator Pipeline

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 06:00:00-0500

Got this bit of creative genius from a friend of ours. (Thanks Smitty) As always, we're not here to belittle any other flying career, certainly not comrades-in-arms who happen to fly cargo planes, tankers, helicopters etc. Each performs a vital service to their country. However, let's face it, when it comes to chicks, it's a well known fact that they're attracted to fighter pilots. That's just the way of the world.

And speaking of the way of the world, although the brilliant mind that put this together has called it the Navy Aviator Pipeline, it's really the story of any military service, in any country around the world. The sun rises in the east, rivers flow to the sea and chicks dig fighter pilots. That's just the way it is.

If you're a fighter pilot, you want people to know you are all the time. If you're not a fighter pilot, you want people to think you are. The FU Store can help. Get the FU gear that screams to the world, "Yeah, I'm a fighter pilot! Your adoration is most welcome." Lots of designs in the FU Store, like the one below, that will do the trick.

Christmas Decorations and Figthter Pilots

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 06:24:00-0500

We got this note from Rowdy's wife, Sandy, about decorating her home this year:

Borg and Jolly,

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations this year. Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take Rowdy down after 2 days.

I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second,a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was a fake Rowdy until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that.

My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. Kind of feel like I gave in to Rowdy by taking him down, but my neighbor did confirm two near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. Oh well, if was fun while it lasted. Thanks for the idea Borg and Jolly.