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A Simple Switch. Please!!

Posted by borg on March 23, 2009

An alarming trend needs to be addressed by travelers around the world. For the most part, this issue seemed to only be an issue in foreign lands but I see it creeping into our own society in small ways in the States. This problem can rise to emergency status in some cases and I will illustrate this fact as you read on. First, I must ask the question which will lead into my rant. Why in the hell do hotels, primarily in areas outside of the US, insist on making the turning on of lights and shower operation a freaking mystery from the gods? I shit you not; I spent five minutes and scalded my back, from three different nozzles, because of no logical method to get the damn shower to turn on in my room in China yesterday. I still don’t know exactly what I did to finally get it right; another experiment today I guess.


The shower situation is unpleasant but the light switch issue almost got a five star hotel in Milan a pile of shit on their room floor. Let me elaborate. I’m flying into Milan a couple of years ago and on the way from the airport (a 45 minute drive) I find myself in an un-air conditioned cab with a sudden urge to off load the first class catering in a violent fashion. As there is no Quik Trips on the journey, I’m faced with the fact that I’m going to have to wait for my hotel check-in and hope for the best. If we can't turn on the lights, at least get one of these!Everything was going fine and after a well run check-in process, I’m scrambling to my room for a five minute alert shit scramble with all the tension that brings with it. I put the key in the door and find it opens right away much to my delight. Then the problems start. Like going to a troops-in-contact where people are dying and not being able to get a hold of the ground FAC, I am completely unable to find a light switch and the room is darker than a box of assholes. After several minutes of looking and the adrenaline surge from frustration, which intensified my lack of sphincter control, I decided I would have to shit on the floor. I did not want to do that but I simply ran out of choices. With the bombs armed up, I prepared to pickle when there was a knock on the door. Grimacing and clinching down all orifices I let the maid in who showed me to put my key card in a slot across the room behind a curtain which enabled the lights to work and I was able to return to the primary target as opposed to the dump target I had hastily planned.


All of this could have been averted by putting a switch by the door that you simply turn on. Go figure. Some things in life were best thought through on the first try. The simple light switch was one of them. Don’t screw with it or you could end up with egg on your face…or feces on your floor.


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