In the past, we've released parts of an article that was put on the internet called "Uncyclopedia - Fighter Pilot." Here's a new and improved version. The writer of this deserves huge kudos, this stuff is damn funny!
Warning: This will probably make no sense to you.
This article may be hilarious if you are familiar with whatever it pretends to explain, but otherwise you will probably have no idea what the hell is going on. If you can think of a way to make it more accessible, make it so
Above is a typical fighter pilot uniform, circa 1740. Note the beer tube attachment installed on the mask.
“Who’s the best pilot y’ever saw!? You’re lookin’ at him.” “Gordo” Cooper
Fighter Pilots, also known as badasses, or zipper-suited sun gods are the second highest form of life in the universe, they have yet to displace surgeons.
A U.S. Air Force F-22 is shot down by superior Russian Su-47’s during the Battle of Canada. Note the stupid f--king Russians put the wings on backwards.
(The US pilot did survive to later confront the two Russian pilots in a matrix pistol fight. The American pilot won, since Russians can’t shoot for shit.)
A fighter pilot is one of those elite men who has been selected to fly sleek, sexy, supersonic aircraft in dazzling aerial combat, as well as put on cool airshows and pose for photographs. Only the best pilots in the world get to be fighter pilots. The rest fly slow, heavy, ugly aircraft used to haul rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong, or worse, Detroit.
Typically, fighter pilots wear elaborate uniforms which they claim are specially designed to be fireproof to protect them in case of an emergency. In actuality, however, the uniforms are made of a special type of cloth which repels beer stains. Note: You can tell the really “shit hot” fighter pilots by ,the zipper on the beer repelling uniform. The lower it is, the more skilled the aviator. These “flight suits” also allow a fighter pilot to get dressed and undressed in under ten seconds flat, and also perform various skills such as “ball-walking,” a maneuver that might otherwise be impossible or painful in normal attire.
Chuck Yeager, the first American fighter pilot.
In 1069, Lord Carolus Magnus, having just been defeated by Cossacks in the Battle of the Third Punic War, called his military councilors to discuss new military strategies and doctrine. After thirty hours of heated deliberation and enthusiastic discussion, the council started to get sidetracked, talking about boobs and poon and other topics which had no place in a professional military context. Fearing that letting this go on any longer would have the council completely out of control, the Lord’s senior executive officer, Baron Manfred von Richthofen, summoned the butler who delivered four and twenty flagons of beer. An hour later, the council (who were Irish) was back on topic, with all members inebriated, shouting, passing out at the table, and there was much grab-ass, and it was good. As the clock struck midnight, Richthofen, himself subjected to the intoxicating beer, thought it a good idea to strap-on a cape and leap from the tower of the castle into a snowbank. They found him the next day, still intoxicated, lying in a ditch, uniform stained with his own vomit, and thus the fighter pilot was born. In honor of this momentous occasion, he commissioned the sacred beverage: Jeremiah Weed. The game of CRUD was also invented on this night.
Wilbur Bill Creech, inventor of the United States Air Force.
Fighter pilots have been a part of every major conflict since that day, making notable appearances in World Wars 1, 2, and 4. After the Vietnam War (actually it was after WWII, but why quibble over details?), the United States Air Force was created in 1947, by General Wilbur “Bill” Creech and consists entirely of fighter pilots. In 1948, Chuck Yeager, the first American fighter pilot, became the first man to fly faster than the speed of Sound with a broken rib. Yeager was such a Bad Ass Fighter Pilot that EVERY pilot and most air traffic controllers sound like him on the radio to this very day.
Special Class of Fighter Pilot - AVIATOR
Fighter pilots have to put up with SAMs.
Origin of the word “Aviator” - 1180
This explains it all. As aviators, we come from a long line of a secret society, formed around one thousand years ago. We are warriors, and here is the proof! Ground pounders can read it and weep!
A little known fact is the origin of the word, “Aviator.” In the immortal words of Johnny Carson: “I didn’t know that.”
Phu Khen (pronounced FooKen) 1169-? is considered by some to be the most under-recognized military officer in history. Many have never heard of his contributions to modern military warfare. The mission of this secret society is to bring honor to the name of Phu Khen.
A ‘Khen’ was a subordinate to a ‘Khan’ (pronounced ‘konn’) in the military structure of the Mongol hordes. Khan is Turkish for leader. Most know of the great Genghis Khan, but little has been written of his chain of command.
Khen is also of Turkish origin. Although there is not a word in English that adequately conveys the meaning. Roughly translated, it means, “One who will do the impossible, while appearing unprepared and complaining constantly.”
Phu Khen was one of ten Khens that headed the divisions, or groups of hordes, as they were known, of the Mongol Army serving under Genghis Khan.
His abilities came to light during the Mongols’ raids on the Turkistan city of Bohicaroo. Bohicans were fierce warriors and the city was well fortified. The entire city was protected by huge walls and the hordes were at a standoff with the Bohicans. Bohicaroo was well stocked and it would be difficult to wait them out. Genghis Khan assembled his Khens and ordered each of them to develop a plan for penetrating the defenses of Bohicaroo.
Operation Achieve Victory (AV) was born. All 10 divisions of Khens submitted their plan. After reviewing AV plans 1 thru 7 and finding them all unworkable or ridiculous, Genghis Khan was understandably upset. It was with much perspiration that Phu Khen submitted his idea, which came to be known as AV 8. Upon seeing AV 8, Genghis was convinced this was the perfect plan and gave his immediate approval. The plan was beautifully simple. Phu Khen would arm his hordes to the teeth, load them into catapults, and hurl them over the wall. The losses were expected to be high, but hey, hordes were cheap! Those that survived the flight would engage the enemy in combat. Those that did not? Well, surely their flailing bodies would cause some damage.
The plan worked and the Bohicans were defeated. From that day on, whenever the Mongol Army encountered an insurmountable enemy, Genghis Khan would give the order, “Send some of Phu Khen’s AV 8-ers.” This is believed, though not by anyone outside our secret society, to be the true origin of the word Aviator (AV 8-er).
Phu Khen’s AV 8-ers were understandably an unruly mob, not likely to be socially acceptable. Many were heavy drinkers and insomniacs. But when nothing else would do, you could always count on an AV 8-er. A Phu Khen Aviator.
Denied, perhaps rightfully so, his place in history, Phu Khen has been, nonetheless, immortalized in prose. As the great poet Norman Lear never once said: “There once was a man named Phu Khen, Whose breakfast was whiskey and gin. When e’er he’d fly, He’d give a mighty war cry: ‘Bend over, here it comes again.’ “
Consider it an honor to be a Phu Khen Aviator. Wear the mantle proudly, but speak of it cautiously. It is not always popular to be one of us. You hear mystical references, often-hushed whispers, to ‘those Phu Khen Aviators.’
Do not let these things bother you. As with any secret society, we go largely misunderstood, prohibited by our apathy from explaining ourselves. You are expected to always live down to the reputation of the Phu Khen Aviator... a reputation cultivated for centuries, undaunted by scorn or ridicule, unhindered by progress.
So drink up, be crude, sleep late, urinate in public, and get the job done.
It was in the year 1241 that the Kingdom of Phu Khen made war on the Empire of Japan. In a bold move the Phu Khen king placed Phu Khen AV-8er’s aboard warships and invaded Japan by sea. This was the first use of NAVAL AV-8ers in history. the Naval AV-8ers roamed the length and breath of Japan, burning many Japanese cities to ashes. the defeated Japanese surrendered in Tokyo Bay in 1245.
The secret society PHU KHEN NAVAL AVIATORS exists today. Their secret ensignia are wings of gold. They meet secretly in gatherings called “Tail Hooks”. There in the dark rites of “Carrier Landings” and “Crud” are performed.
Fighter pilots are excellent at picking up women
Facts About Fighter Pilots
- Fighter pilots are absolutely irresistible to women, who will drop their panties if a fighter pilot so much as enters the room.
- Fighter pilots are highly skilled and take pride in their ability to consume massive quantities of alcohol, and can speak in complete sentences consisting entirely of swear words.
- All fighter pilots are men (the females ones are considered fighter goddesses, not just mere fighter pilots)
- How do you tell if a fighter pilot is in the room? Just wait a minute ... he’ll tell you!
- Fighter pilots always wear large dark sunglasses.
- Fighter pilots drive the fastest, most flashy car money can buy, and they always have the speedometer on the peg.
- The secret ingredient in Red Bull is sweat from a fighter pilots ass crack, which explains the drinks peculiar taste, and its ability to “give you wings”
- Fighter pilots wear a bigger watch than you. It’s an easier target for when they shoot it with their hands.
- Fighter pilots do not high-five.
- Fighter pilots do not carry briefcases.
- Most fighter pilots chase women with cute asses though women chase F/A-18 fighter pilots and AV-8A pilots chase each other.
- Fighter pilots subsist on a diet consisting entirely of coffee, popcorn, cigarettes, microwaved burritos, chewing tobacco, beer, and whiskey.
- Fighter pilots are better and cooler than you.
- Fighter pilots each have their own “Verizon network” consisting entirely of bikini clad beer girls with loose morals. Can you beer me now? Good.
- Fighter pilots usually are given testosterone-ridden call signs like “Jockstrap” or “Whiplash.” However, those who try to name themselves are invariably given the call sign “Manbitch.”
- Fighter pilots are a dying breed: The last fighter pilot has been born. In 20 years, all fighters will be unmanned. The world will be a sadder place for it
- You will NEVER be a fighter pilot.
- If you ARE a fighter pilot and just read that, we beg for our lives.
- Fighter pilots can fly ANYTHING, better than anyone else. They could even fly heavy transport aircraft, but they would certainly never want to, nor do they NEED to.
- Fighter pilots are often seen as exceedingly arrogant and full of themselves. However, they have earned it, so do not scoff, remember that YOU will never get to fly that fighter jet!
- If you wish to take down a fighter pilot, don’t even think about it when he’s anywhere within a hundred kilometers from his flying metal monster, wait till he’s on the ground and you have an M1 Abrams at your disposal. Unless he’s flying an A-10, in which case you’re fucked.
- They don’t give a shit if the pattern is full. They WILL buzz the tower whenever they damn well please.
- The Thunderbirds and Blue Angels are NOT fighter pilots. They are Movie Stars. They are usually re-admitted to the role of the fighter pilot when they move on to their next assignments.
- Fighter pilots have a secret hand gesture and handshake. They will never tell you what they are, and you will never see them do it in public (unless you are a hot, slightly drunk, 25-year old nymphomaniac stripper attending the O-Club on a Friday night.)
- No fighter pilot is drunk as long as he can hold onto a single blade of grass and not be flung from the face of the earth.
Airplanes flown by fighter pilots
Every single fighter pilot can fly every kind of fighter plane. Here are some of the most popular fighter jets in History:
- F-15C Eagle (“One man, one mission”): Kick ass...and it does. Everything else is CRAP...!
- F-15E Strike Eagle: A 4-ship worth of Viper bombs, fuel, and missiles. Twice the number of brains in the jet, yet somehow only half the brain-power). Not the support asset the C-model is, this one has a mission!
- F-100 (the “Hun”, the “Sleek and Shiny, Slightly Supersonic, Super Sabre,”): The F-86 unperfected, the King of Adverse Yaw, whatever that is.
- F-86: No bird beats the F-86H, the last of the real “Sports cars! Except if you wanted to go really fast and last a long time.
- F-106: The Ultimate Interceptor, The Cadillac of Fighters, With a Nuke, or with its gun and clear top, could out turn, outlast, and engage anywhere in the envelope IN ITS TIME....Few Know. Also called the MiG 106.
- F-8 Crusader: Single seat rocket ship; nickname -“Mig Killer” (and it did)
- F-4 Phantom (“Fred Williams’ Major Ride”): The RHINO...Could take a lot of damage, do everything, but not a lot really well; hard to fix; Flying on Force alone; Smoker; Supersonic with Super Drag attached; Double Ugly;
- F-105 B/D/F/G: The “Thud” took the fight “downtown” to “bullseye” and returned... usually. Named after the sound the aircraft made when returning to earth without its fighter pilot. Faster than all its peers on the deck or headed straight down. Weasel version produced one MOH winner.
- RF-4E Phanton Phlasher:
- F-5 Tiger II:
- F-20: Now there was a fighter....the old quality vs quantity.....for the money for the bigger competitor, you coulda got 4 of these....Give em all a magic AIM9L and anyone can be an ace.
- F-29: Really really good one that was soooo far ahead of its time.........trouble was it would super cruise, was gas efficient and wouldn’t cost enough.
- F-12 (defunct): Got reborn as SR-71 recon bird. Flew very high, very fast, but couldn’t shoot anything down.
- F-13: Huh?
- F-14 (Bad-Ass “Tomcat”): The best fighter to ever retract it’s landing gear.
- Boeing: If Boeing is the name of a fighter, then GM is the name of a sports car. Dipshit.
- F-16 (“Viper”): Only non-fighter pilots call it a “Fighting Falcon”. The original 9-g fighting machine. With two tails and two engines, the F-15 takes twice the effort to do what the F-16 can do twice as well. Including hitting the ground. Unlike the Eagle, did does not need an emergency engine and it’s nose doesn’t fall off.
- F-117/F-19 (“Cockroach”, “The Flying Iron” and “The Box”): The F-18 Came In”.
- F-111 (“Vark”): Can’t turn worth shit but can go fast as shit (at night/in weather: as in “Holy Shit”) and blow up lots of shit.
- EF-111 (“Spark Vark”): Actually destroyed a MiG 29. Weapon used: TFR.
- F/A-18 (“Barely Legal”, “Ego-driver Killer”)
- F-19: Redesignation of the O-1 (née L-19) after Gen Momeyer ordered FACs to stop firing their M-16s out of their Bird Dogs’ windows.
- F-UCK: The coolest group of dudes you’ve ever met.
- F-22 (“Raptor”): Rapist, Boat, Showboat and Toucan Sam. The only fighter that can turn up its own ass, kill everything in the sky, is invisible to radar, and the list goes on and on, yet the Air Force still parks them outside because building new hangars is too expensive.
- F-35A/B/C/D (“FKMP”): “Fat Kid with Magic Pants” should be in same category as X wing. The Air Force will call it the Lightening II, The Navy will call it the Super Cat and the Marines will call it the Up and Down Flying Thingy.
- AV-8B: Product of a drunken one night stand between a Huey and an A-4.
- A-10 (“Wart on my Hog”): The only gun that comes with it’s own plane.
- MQ-1 Predator: Hey you can REALLY fly a desk now.
- F-104 (“Starfighter”, "Zipper" or “Widow Maker”): German version. Strictly VFR (German’s didn’t read the fine print). Don’t flame out below 15,000 feet.
- A-37 (“Super Tweet”): The sort of thing a fighter pilot would take home to his kid. Kind of hurt your ears on the ground.
- F-8 Crusader: The REAL gunfighter in Vietnam.
- MiG-28: Russian piece of shit. Not a real plane...only TopGun reference to mythical aircraft.
- MiG-29: Kinda like an F-18 knock off that you’d buy at The Dollar Store.
- MiG-30: Probably works as good as a MiG 29.
- MiG-21: Arabs and Russians eject out of these all the time.
- MiG-17: Vietnamese and Chinese eject out of these targets. One was shot down by an A-1 Sky Raider for Christ’s Sake!
- MiGDonell-Douglas: The greatest distributor of MiG parts.
- Lightning: Britttish vintage, used to eat pussy cats, see below.
- Jaguar: Variable noise, constant thrust.
- Mirage: French piece of shit that was sprinkled all over Iraq.
- Rafael: Another French POS. Like they’ll fight anything ever.
- Eurofighter: We aren’t even going to go there.
- Lockheed: Hell, if the above is a fighter plane name, then so is this.
- Tornado: Reasonably good plane flown by our Britttish, Eyetalian and German friends, do Saudis count as friends too?
- F-4U Phantom: Jap killer extraordinaire.
- F-105G Wild Weasel: You want me to do what? YGBSM!
- A/OA/RA-10G Warthog: Blows up tanks and shoots down helicopters.
- C-12: What Fido and Coma fly.
Important Fighter Pilots
Baron Manfred Richtofen, the first fighter pilot. Downed his first Bandit with a shot gun.
Bud Anderson, the guy who taught Robin Olds and Chuck Yeager how to be fighter pilots
Panchotoo or Zipperjock 5375868
Working the 104 shirt brotha -- I'll keep you posted.